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Blank you, you blankin’ blank.

March 14, 2009

I’m trying to do some research on unintended pregnancy, but it’s hard to find stuff that’s appropriate. For instance, you run across a lot of this sanctimonious bullshit:

The first thing to remember when you find out that you are pregnant is that you are lucky; many women struggle with fertility issues and have trouble conceiving a baby. A child is a precious gift and you should be grateful for that gift.

Look, I’m trying to be graceful when people congratulate me and you want me to suck up and thank God for his sick sense of humor? Let’s look at thing number one I would not have bought if I thought I was going to have more children: THIS HOUSE. And so much more.


Thinking about logistics like diapers and day care and completely ending what little bit is left of my social life and all that is overwhelming to the point of headache.

But when you strip the practical part out of it, I’m like, squee-ish. But not lucky. Hell no, not lucky.

I’ll be lucky if no stranger ever approaches me and says, ‘How wonderful! When are you due?” I think I’m going to answer that I’m trying to win a bet that will pay my child’s college tuition by not answering that question, or something equally snarky, because when you’re not all filled with shiny about it, it’s easier to just find the whole thing bizarre and hilarious.

It’s also possible I’ve been hanging out with Jenn too long.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 15, 2009 1:02 am

    Why dwell on the fact about this being unintended and all? So, it was. So what? Yes, the logistics are staggering even when the child is intended, so that makes no difference. Social life? What about creating family life? (Not that you haven’t had one, but it will be a different dynamic with this little one.) Priorities change. Or for that matter, social life changes. I haven’t had a social life like what you have for YEARS. Do I regret it? No way. As Drew gets older, I have a different social life, with the parents of his peers, and find I have a lot more in common with them than just the kids. And as Drew gets older, it becomes easier to get out sometimes. Then again, there are so many occasions that JC and I don’t want to leave Drew behind. My point is that life is full of lots of curveballs that are life-altering, including babies, deaths, changes with jobs, financial problems, etc. This is all still new, and overwhelming because it was a curveball you didn’t expect. Whether you plan a kid or not, huge adjustments are made, and that’s just the fact. We planned our kid (had to due to infertility issues), and it was still a WHOA for us when it became a reality and realize the things that we’d have to do, or things we had to sacrifice. Would we change it? Nope. Knowing the kind of issues that my son has, if I could go back in time and say, I don’t want to do this, spare JC and I some of the heartache we’ve had to deal with? No. Worry about this baby’s college tuition when it gets closer to that time. Having two intelligent parents as Bunky has, he/she will most likely be able to qualify for scholarships and financial aid. Imagine my parents when their unexpected 3rd was TWINS. And at the time, they were living on a teacher’s salary, living paycheck to paycheck as it was. It all worked out in the end. You make adjustments as you need to, it doesn’t all have to be at once. If you need some baby equipment, I am more than happy to give you the stuff we have that was Drew’s (stroller with car seats, convertible crib, among other things). You’d be doing us a favor by taking it! You’ll work it out. JUST STOP PANICKING.

    • March 15, 2009 4:02 am

      I’ll stop panicking when I make a mortgage payment on time. It’s been about 8 months since I have, because I ran out of credit to pad the margins. Plain and simple, I’m upset because I’m actually broker now than I was when I had Kieran in some respects. I have 8 months to do something about that and then no idea how we’ll afford child care. I’m the primary breadwinner for our family, so regardless of how much I know deep down we’ll make it one way or another, I have to be able to give voice to my anxieties without being told “don’t have those anxieties.” you know me, Dani. I have to let them loose sometimes rather than suppress them. That’s why I’ve always been a compulsive writer. It’s how I cope. I know you know this, but when I’m in more of a crisis mode it might bear noting again. 😀

  2. March 15, 2009 2:57 am

    Given the pregnancy resources I’m familiar with, I can understand your frustration. Most pregnancy resources for adults seem to assume that the woman intended her pregnancy and is thrilled to pieces about it. On the other hand, a lot of the resources specifically for unplanned pregnancies are geared toward teenagers, or are sanctimonious BS, like the passage you linked.
    I think it’s really important that you are allowing yourself to experience and express the gamut of emotions here. Women have a tendency to suppress any less than positive feelings about a pregnancy. But those feelings are there, and I think it’s a lot healthier to sort them out now than to leave them unresolved. Ambivalence now is no reflection on how awesome or loving a parent you will be.

    • March 15, 2009 1:48 pm

      That’s why I created this journal I think… given my tendency to create new journals when I have some major life bugaboo that I don’t want to risk accidentally misposting,but yeah, I’m processing these emotions, sometimes more gracefully than others. Deep down I’m ecstatic, but that’s mired down in the practical bits of life stressors that come from being the primary breadwinner and the mortgageholder. But at the same time, this is causing us to look very hard at how our lives are arranged; Dean’s had trouble finding the motivation to look for a job out here because the market is so tight. But now he needs to. This is lighting the right fires at the right places so that we can get out of this rut that we’re in. I really believe that.
      But yeah, I’ll be whining a lot, I guess, but always trying to find the funny within the stress, because that’s one of the ways I cope. I know a lot of women my age have difficulty getting pregnant. I have at least two working on IVF on my helcat friends list. But all that does is make me feel guilty for accomplishing accidentally that many women struggle with. And I know some of those women will feel envy, despite their best intentions otherwise.

  3. April 10, 2009 3:43 am

    I can relate to how you feel. Do you think I planned on being barefoot and pregnant when I walked down the aisle? lol
    I think when you are pregnant, whether you have money or not… you worry about the future, but here is where I give my unsolicited thoughts and tell you to just have faith. God may be laughing at his twisted little joke… but he wouldnt bless you and curse you at the same time. (that is motherhood in itself I am discovering) You will find that you will somehow always have what you will need…maybe not the way you would like just keep your faith.
    And when you are frustrated, just ask yourself, has God ever let you down? Just try to ignore the hormones, and go with the flow. (Everything happens for a reason… just God doesnt always share the bigger picture with you!)
    Ok, enough from me… I need to try and go back to sleep, seeing as it is nearly 5am here.

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